08/06/2026
🚨WILD HAGGIS DETAINED AT US CUSTOMS AHEAD OF WORLD CUP 🚨
America has been placed on high alert tonight after several wild Scottish haggis arrived ahead of the World Cup as part of the travelling Tartan Army and were immediately detained at US Customs.
Officials became suspicious when the group attempted to enter the country with no hotel booking, no clear itinerary, and 700 Tunnock’s Teacakes vacuum-packed inside a tartan holdall.
There was initial confusion due to America’s long-standing restrictions on traditional haggis.
Customs officers were preparing to seize the group under food import laws, before one haggis blinked, sneezed, and asked where the nearest bar was.
A spokesperson later admitted:
“We were trained for cooked haggis.
We were not trained for living haggis.”
The situation escalated when security discovered several undeclared items, including miniatures of single malt, cans of Irn-Bru, a half-eaten square sausage, and a handwritten document titled “Operation Boston Teacake Party.”
The whisky was immediately confiscated and tensions worsened when an airport officer referred to Irn-Bru as “orange soda.”
After six hours of questioning, the haggis were released on the condition they do not approach the Statue of Liberty, interfere with FIFA officials, or attempt to use Teacakes as legal tender.
Their first stop was an airport bar, where they asked for “a decent whisky” and were handed a Bud Light.
Medical staff say the haggis took one sip, stared into the middle distance, and briefly forgot what joy felt like.
Later, at a nearby restaurant, the waitress spun round an iPad and asked for a tip.
The lead haggis considered this carefully, tapped the screen, and wrote:
“Never call Irn-Bru orange soda.”
They were last seen heading north towards Boston, sunburnt, under-refreshed, and increasingly suspicious of American portion sizes.
The World Cup hasn’t even started but the haggis are already on a watchlist 🏴
